God's guidance doesn't always "make sense." This has proven a theme in my life over and over again.
After nearly a decade spent in the church where God grew us both individually and as a couple, Austin and I finally decided to follow what we believed was God calling us out the door. We had no idea where we'd go, we just knew it was somewhere other than where we'd always been.
A year later, we aren't where we started. The journey looked much different than I expected and took turns I didn't want to take. I like to think I trusted God enough to take the first leap, but that isn't necessarily the case.
It took a few years of feeling unsettled and frustrated and downright cynical (lots of complaining - God bless my friends) to finally give in and follow God's lead. It didn't make sense to leave the church we'd always known, right in our community and surrounded by people we love.
"The Lord had said to Abram, 'Go from your country, your people, and your father's household to the land I will show you.'" Genesis 12:1
The Friday after our first visit to another church, I found out I was pregnant with our baby girl.
I felt an odd mix of comfort and conviction as I thought of Abram's immediate obedience to God's command, the role of offspring in Abraham and Sarah's story. I knew we'd followed God to this point, but I still didn't know what was next. I thought of Sarah's attempt to take control of the situation and manipulate what God had told them about having children, only to create wounds and broken bonds.
When our faith is lacking - which is often - we tend to really screw things up. On our own, we stay too long or leave too soon or say things without thinking or stay silent when we ought to speak up.
It doesn't feel natural to take the step when we can't see where we're going; it isn't. It doesn't make logical sense to make a decision when there isn't a tangible decision to be made. Why would you leave a church without knowing where you're going next? Why would you quit a job when you don't have another lined up? Why would you leave your family's plot for a place you don't even know for sure exists? Why would you think God is going to let an old woman get pregnant after nearly a century of barrenness? It just doesn't make sense.
We want answers, concrete and logical answers. We want point-A-to-point-B answers. We don't want vague, we don't want "the land I will show you," we don't want faith. Trusting God is too hard when I can clearly take care of this myself, thank you. How about You go help those other people who actually need You, Lord.
Until we inevitably mess it up.
Then it eventually gets sorted out again and we're back to the same, self-sufficient facade. We're exhausting, you know?
Thankfully God isn't exhausted by us, and He keeps inviting us back to Himself. We mess it all up over and over again, and He lets us run to Him to put all the pieces back together. He's a good, good Father.
He doesn't always give us the answers we want or make life work out exactly the way we pictured, but He's with us every step of the way. I'd say that's a heck of a lot better.
My prayer is that I (you, we, etc) will trust God the first time around, following Him to the land that He will show me - wherever that might be. It will likely not look at all how I expected or wanted, the journey will probably take longer than I'd like, and it might just hurt a bit, but I want to trust that my Father will be faithful like He's been since the beginning. He has promised to be a lamp for my feet and light for my path - just enough to see the very next step. May I follow that light step by step.